I'm about to post something personal. A little too personal for the other more popular blog I have, because it feels almost like you're showing a vulnerable side of you and that's not a very good idea. I feel safer hiding in here.
2012 wasn't a highly eventful year for me. But there was an epic occasion that I'd remember for the rest of my life. And that's getting together with a long time friend mid-year and things were never the same. And boy, they say love is a roller coaster and hell yeah, this is by far one of the most exhilarating rides of my life. We've been together for 5 months now, and I'm learning so much about him, myself even and about life. He has taught me so much without even him realizing it.
Not all emotions feel like a bed of roses, some are really hard thorns. Some I never even knew they existed. Sometimes I'm overtly emotional over the silliest things. And it's weird. You feel a thorn in your heart, say for example 'jealousy', so what do you do about it? Do you numb it? Sweep it under the carpet and hope for it to go away? Do you confront it? Do you enforce some rules? What do you do?
I. Have. Never. Felt. Jealous. Before. And I kid you not. My previous relationships never brought that emotion out in me before. I was 'the' cool girlfriend. I was okay with them hanging out with whomever and whichever girl and I'd be okay. But for the past 3 weeks, I've been experiencing this tumultuous sea of feelings and I was kinda shock myself, for this feeling is so alien to me. Yet I could feel that it's consuming me little by little. And for the past 3 weeks, I'm really thankful to him because he listens. All the time, albeit agitated and frustrated, but he listens. It's also his first encounter with someone who has such clear logic of her emotions. It's the first for both of us. And so I broke down last night. He feels like a bad boyfriend. I felt like a bad girlfriend. He doesn't have a solution because they've been best friends for close to 2 decades. I don't expect them to change. But I'm still 'feeling' it. It felt to me as though we're locked. He wants to find a solution so that I can get rid of the feeling. I feel like there's no solution to this because you can't get rid of this kind of feeling. Wow, it was a total mess. We both want this to work, we both don't want me to feel this, we both understand the significance of the status of a best friend, we both don't want that to change. Funny. Sounds like we're both on the same page. Then how come we feel so bad? And how do you rid of this feeling? In a healthy, constructive, loving, win-win manner?
I don't know. But what I know is we woke up feeling loving. I guess there's no strategic plan to this sort of thing. It's to live through it one day at a time, and embrace the challenge, one day at a time.
So far, what has worked for me is, to acknowledge this feeling (because I tried numbing it and trust me, that doesn't work because damn those tears, they will find their way out). Experience it and then, talk it out (you'll have to experience some defensiveness and frustration but that's okay, it's all part of the ride). But I realized that it takes an equal partner to do this mind-fumbling cha cha with you. And I thank God, he's a really good partner in solving conflicts with me. It never turn into an argument, an intense tearful debate, yes. But never an argument.
What worked for you? How do you overcome the challenge of 'jealousy'? We're all learning. Personally I hope I've overcame this cause it's really not a pleasant feeling. The frustrated part from our discussion last night was him doesn't understand why I'm feeling as such. I then realized that men think women can switch their feelings on and off, which ahem, WE CAN'T, DAMNIT! If I had a choice, I don't want to feel it too... But I've learned that I can't. So I better figure a better way to deal with it. Cause I don't want nothing to separate us. That's how important he is to me.
2012 wasn't a highly eventful year for me. But there was an epic occasion that I'd remember for the rest of my life. And that's getting together with a long time friend mid-year and things were never the same. And boy, they say love is a roller coaster and hell yeah, this is by far one of the most exhilarating rides of my life. We've been together for 5 months now, and I'm learning so much about him, myself even and about life. He has taught me so much without even him realizing it.
Not all emotions feel like a bed of roses, some are really hard thorns. Some I never even knew they existed. Sometimes I'm overtly emotional over the silliest things. And it's weird. You feel a thorn in your heart, say for example 'jealousy', so what do you do about it? Do you numb it? Sweep it under the carpet and hope for it to go away? Do you confront it? Do you enforce some rules? What do you do?
I. Have. Never. Felt. Jealous. Before. And I kid you not. My previous relationships never brought that emotion out in me before. I was 'the' cool girlfriend. I was okay with them hanging out with whomever and whichever girl and I'd be okay. But for the past 3 weeks, I've been experiencing this tumultuous sea of feelings and I was kinda shock myself, for this feeling is so alien to me. Yet I could feel that it's consuming me little by little. And for the past 3 weeks, I'm really thankful to him because he listens. All the time, albeit agitated and frustrated, but he listens. It's also his first encounter with someone who has such clear logic of her emotions. It's the first for both of us. And so I broke down last night. He feels like a bad boyfriend. I felt like a bad girlfriend. He doesn't have a solution because they've been best friends for close to 2 decades. I don't expect them to change. But I'm still 'feeling' it. It felt to me as though we're locked. He wants to find a solution so that I can get rid of the feeling. I feel like there's no solution to this because you can't get rid of this kind of feeling. Wow, it was a total mess. We both want this to work, we both don't want me to feel this, we both understand the significance of the status of a best friend, we both don't want that to change. Funny. Sounds like we're both on the same page. Then how come we feel so bad? And how do you rid of this feeling? In a healthy, constructive, loving, win-win manner?
I don't know. But what I know is we woke up feeling loving. I guess there's no strategic plan to this sort of thing. It's to live through it one day at a time, and embrace the challenge, one day at a time.
So far, what has worked for me is, to acknowledge this feeling (because I tried numbing it and trust me, that doesn't work because damn those tears, they will find their way out). Experience it and then, talk it out (you'll have to experience some defensiveness and frustration but that's okay, it's all part of the ride). But I realized that it takes an equal partner to do this mind-fumbling cha cha with you. And I thank God, he's a really good partner in solving conflicts with me. It never turn into an argument, an intense tearful debate, yes. But never an argument.
What worked for you? How do you overcome the challenge of 'jealousy'? We're all learning. Personally I hope I've overcame this cause it's really not a pleasant feeling. The frustrated part from our discussion last night was him doesn't understand why I'm feeling as such. I then realized that men think women can switch their feelings on and off, which ahem, WE CAN'T, DAMNIT! If I had a choice, I don't want to feel it too... But I've learned that I can't. So I better figure a better way to deal with it. Cause I don't want nothing to separate us. That's how important he is to me.
